The Lebanese poet, philosopher, and artist Kahlil Gibran penned in his book The Prophet, “For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.” For many people, coping with a loved one’s death brings intense grief that take years to overcome. Sometimes it’s a child who passed at a young age or an adult-son who had an epileptic seizure. Perhaps the person who died was a close friend or neighbour, an aunt or uncle, a grandmother or grandfather, a spouse or lover, a cousin, a nephew or niece, or a daughter or son-in-law. No matter who the individual is her or his demise gobsmacks us in unexpected ways.
I recall a friend’s life suddenly ending. Literally, he breathed his last breath in my home. During the three months and three days prior to his final exhalation, I supported him through grieving his partner’s unexpected transition. At the time, I didn’t realise his death prepared me for my beloved father dying a year later. In my three score and almost ten years of living, I’ve experienced many persons whom I have loved deeply and cared for pass through this world to another realm. Some of them were a total shock to my emotions. Yet, I comprehend with acceptance that there’s a Higher Power in charge who dictates the life and death of everyone and everything in this Divine Universe. We have no control over when anyone of us will be born nor when we’ll die.
It’s my belief that if we learn to embrace the circle of life and death as one repeating cycle, then we will not feel so much pain and suffering when someone we love dies. I’ve given loving support to three friends and a cousin whose sons died as young adults between the ages of mid-twenties to early thirties. One son was killed in a vehicular accident. Another boy-child took his own life. A third youth had a grand mal seizure, went into a coma, and never awakened. The fourth young man, who was my cousin, had heart surgery, and less than a year later died.
Never is it easy for a parent to accept that her or his child, whom she or he co-created, adopted, or parented, has died. It can take decades of therapy before the stages of intense grief heal and the acceptance of the daughter’s or son’s death is fully acknowledged. We expect our children to outlive us. Imagine how it would be if several family members died at the same time. For example, in a plane crash or a boat capsized. I can’t even fathom the emotional and mental upheaval that would cause. The griever’s equipoise is rocked to the core of unfathomable depths.
As each death affects our lives, we must learn ways to cope with what we consider to be losses. A nurse practitioner suggested to a friend of mine that she start a social media support group for mothers who’ve had children with epileptic seizures die. It creates a network of persons who have been through similar experiences. Having someone to listen to our stories and empathise with our enormous grief helps the healing processes. It’s a relief talking with individuals who comprehend what we’ve been through and are aware of the depression and unanswered questions that arise.
We have to seek coping skills to aid us in handling the deaths of our loved ones. Because if we don’t, we just might wind up dead ourselves from overwhelming emotions of anxiety, stress, and being depressed that flood our minds affecting our mental health and physical bodies. If we notice ourselves spiralling down a dark tunnel or stepping off of a precipice, reach out for help from a trusted companion or friend, a minister or pastor, a professionally trained and licensed mental healthcare provider like a primary care doctor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a therapist. Find supportive networks that assist our healing. Don’t stay alone and allow darkness to overtake.
Gibran wrote, “And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?” In this Spring season of rebirth and renewal, we must release the grief and spring forward into healthier ways of living that bring full-joy, self-love, and greater caring for our whole-soul selves.
_____________
Ms Kay M Ferguson is a contributing columnist who writes on diverse topics influencing the Anguilla community. She encourages everyone to evolve and positively transform our world. Link with Kay at anguillawriter@gmail.com.
