Have you ever been referred to as a selfish person? How did it make you feel deep down on the inside?If it is true do you want to do something about it? Well, don’t feel disheartened !No one is immune to it. All of us have the tendency to be selfish at one time or another if we really stop and think about it seriously. Sometimes it comes naturally for us to put ourselves, our wants, our desires, above everything else – but if we want to live healthy and fulfilled lives, we need to eliminate selfishness from our lives.It is a very destructive force and one of the major enemies of relationships.
However, in order for us to change that behaviour, it is important for us to find out and examine what exactly is meant by the term selfishness and know the reason that drives it. Simply put, selfishness is acting or thinking of one’s own well-being alone. Selfish persons don’t have room in their thoughts or consideration for others. They are completely self-absorbed. Their entire world is completely about themselves. They serve their own pleasures regardless of how their actions affect others. They don’t have the ability to imagine the thoughts and feelings of others. They have little or no ability to empathize. When we are concerned primarily with our own interests and benefits, regardless of others, we are being selfish.
The reason why selfish people are selfish is because they feel deprived of something. This deprivation may exist in either their consciousness or in their subconscious mind. The feeling of deprivation drives selfish persons to behave in ways that they believe will insure the end of deprivation. There is a sense of entitlement and expectation that justifies their bad behaviour.
Selfish people usually become threatened when attention is paid to others. They have difficulty letting other people win, get accolades, or be admired. They cannot listen to someone’s opinions, stories, or advice without turning it back to themselves – and they are not truly sincere when they wish someone else success.
Selfish people have a need for control and are not willing to reach compromises with others. When they need something they are willing to trample over others to make sure they get it. Selfishness leads them to do whatever it takes to look out for number one – ‘themselves’. They will lie, pout, manipulate someone, distort the truth – anything to get their own way. Usually, encounters with such people often leave others feeling hurtful and used to a great extent.
While it is not easy at times to recognize a selfish person immediately, they usually possess some particular traits and some peculiar characteristics that are notable. Here are some ways by which selfishness is demonstrated:
• By cutting in line.
• Storming into a room unannounced.
• Throwing a temper tantrum.
• Doing something only for one’s benefit.
• Lying to stay out of trouble.
• Saying things like –“It’s my way or the highway”.
• In conversation, all they talk about is themselves.
• Displaying a very uncaring attitude and a strong “Me first” trait.
• Being manipulative, scheming and plotting most of the times.
• Having the tendency to hold and hoard things to themselves.
Sounds familiar? Do you recognize any of those characteristics of selfishness in yourself? If so, it is never too late to change. Each of us must take responsibility for our inner motivations and external behaviours if we desire to make that change. We can only live a healthy and full life when we are able to consider what is truly best for others, instead of how others can be of benefit to us.
Being selfish puts us at a great disadvantage as it has the tendency to destroy our relationships. First and foremost, you will find it hard to develop and keep fulfilling friendships and relationships. People will not associate with you for long if you repeatedly show, through your words and actions, that you only care about yourself.Another big disadvantage you will encounter if you are selfish, is in doing any kind of business. If all you worry about is how you can profit from others with no regard for them, then sooner or later your business will fail as it affects your integrity and trustworthiness.
A glance into biblical examples also highlights the problem of selfishnessin the lives of others. Jonah was upset because a worm had destroyed a vine that shaded him from the scorching sun. Yet he didn’t care that many men, women, and children in Nineveh might be destroyed. Two disciples (James and John) selfishly asked for positions of power in Christ’s coming kingdom. Selfishness can also be seen in Cain’s cold-blooded words concerning Abel, Nabal’s refusal of food to David, Haman’s selfish conceit, and in the story of the priest and Levite’s passing by the wounded man.
If perchance you too are struggling with selfishness and desire to overcome it, here are some things you can do:
1. Search your heart. Ask yourself, what is it that is making me so selfish?
2. Admit that you are a selfish person, and ask God to change your attitude and behaviour.
3. Look for opportunities to be unselfish by doing and giving to others without selfish motives. Be sensitive to people’s needs around you. Discern who may be in need of your assistance and reach out to them in a caring manner. This will help to keep the focus off yourself. If needful, repeat this prayer:
O Lord, how often selfishness,
Will raise its ugly head,
So help me, Lord to conquer it
And show Your love instead.
By – D. De Haan
Remember, the heart of our problem is selfishness in our heart.Many problems would be solved if we live for what we could do for others and not for what we could get for us.
About the Author: Mrs. Marilyn Hodge owns and operates the Wellness Centre in the Farrington,Anguilla. The Centre offers Counselling Services by Appointment Only. Contact information: 476-3517 or email: marilynb@anguillanet.com
