Are you dealing with broken trust? Are you finding it difficult to cope? Well, this is natural. Having someone break your trust is a painful and inevitable fact of life. There will be a number of situations during your lifetime where people will let you down, either intentionally or unintentionally. It is not a question of if, but when. Therefore it is important to know how to deal with it when it occurs.
Great relationships require a high level of honesty in order to thrive. When a violation of trust, be it large or small, occurs, it is important to examine the conditions that contributed to the situation and to engage in a healing process that will restore hope and goodwill to the relationship. The capacity of a relationship to recover from a betrayal has a lot to do with the responses, particularly on the part of the betrayer to the situation. The more open and non-defensive they are, the more likely it is that there will be resolution. When both partners are committed to this, as an outcome, the likelihood increases greatly.
Therefore, what is important is your response after trust has been broken. You have two choices: victimization or resiliency. Victimization is characterized by an attitude of powerlessness, blaming others for the negative situations in your life, believing that everyone else has it better than you, and a constant seeking of sympathy for your lot in life.
Or be resilient. Resilient people choose to embrace the power they have to make the best of their circumstances, to learn from their experiences, grow in maturity, and move toward healthier and more satisfying places in life. Statements that reflect the attitudes and beliefs of resilient people include: This will make me stronger. This hurts but I will deal with it and move on. I have so many good things to look forward to in life. I am not going to let this get me down.
Here are some concrete ways you can move from having a victim mentality towards an attitude of resiliency:
1. Own your choices. You cannot control everything that happens in your life, but you can control how you respond. You can choose to wallow in self-pity, depression, anger or resentment, or you can choose to grant forgiveness, experience healing, and seek growth moving forward.
2. Quit obsessing on “why?” Rather than asking, “Why me?” when someone violates your trust, ask yourself, “What can I learn from the experience?” Many times it will be impossible to know exactly why something happened the way it did, but you can always choose to view challenging circumstances in life as learning opportunities. Ask yourself: Did I trust this person too quickly? Did I miss previous warning signs about this person’s trustworthiness? What will I do differently in the future?
3. Forgive and seek forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of all hopes for a better past. We often refuse to grant forgiveness because we feel like it is letting people off the hook for their transgressions. In reality, choosing to not grant forgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It does nothing but hurt us and holds us back from healing and moving forward. If you are the one who has broken trust, or played a part in the situation, do what you can to seek forgiveness and bring healing to the relationship. It’s the right thing to do.
4. Count your blessings. In the big scheme of life, most of us have many more positive things in our lives than negative. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for and you will realize how fortunate you really are.
5. Focus forward. Resilient people keep focused on moving forward. They do not let circumstances hold them back, they embrace whatever power they have to learn, grow, and take hold of all the good that life has to offer.
If you are the offender, here are some things you need to do:
1. Acknowledge your actions to your partner before, not after, they find out. The sooner the better. Acknowledging your transgressions before your partner confirms them from another source creates a higher level of trust than waiting until you have been found out.
2. Listen to their feelings – all of them. Don’t analyze, evaluate, judge, or reason with your partner in regard to any of their feelings. Feelings are not necessarily rational, but they are real.
3. Take responsibility for your actions. Acknowledge the truth of what you have done and avoid any rationalizations, excuses, or justifications for your behaviour.
4. Stay focused on your intention. The work of recovery from a breach of integrity in a committed partnership takes time and effort and can be humbling. The stakes are high, and the benefits from doing the work are enormous. A successful healing can transform a damaged partnership into a stronger union.
Remember: Actions have consequences. So be wise today so you don’t cry tomorrow.
About the Author: Mrs. Marilyn Hodge owns and operates the Wellness Centre in the Farrington, Anguilla. The Centre offers Counselling Services by Appointment Only and has now published Positive Living Volume 2. Contact information: 476-3517 or email: marilynb@anguillanet.com. www.facebook.com/axawellnesscentre
