Welcome to the second half of a special two-part series of “The Gender Corner” focused on Fathers as we prepare to celebrate Father’s Day and Men’s Week 2015 from 20 June – 27 June 2015. The Gender Corner seeks to provide thought-provoking and action-inducing information on gender-related matters. We will break the silence and speak about a range of issues that will help us in building a positively transformed and visionary society. This week, an anonymous contributor writes part two of “Daddy Loves You” and focuses on the distinctive role that a father plays as a participator, preparer and playmate in his child’s life. This article is inspired by the song “Somiaya” written and sung by Omari Banks.
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“Daddy loves you. In time you will soon greet a crazy world where values are confused.”
Our Participator
It is important for a father to be a participator in a child’s life and to guide a child socially, emotionally and psychologically. A father has to make himself available to help solve the everyday issues that families have such as discipline, learning boundaries, sharing and more. A father participates in a child’s development when assisting that child to solve his/her own problems. The bike tire is flat and the father analyzes the problems, guiding the child how to fix the problem. Fathers can assist in discussing problems at school, or later in life they even assist in determining what car or house to purchase. Participate in your child’s world by teaching him/her how to deal with conflict. Make him/her feel valued so that he/she does not look for respect in all the wrong places. Do your reflecting on your role as a father now rather than walking into the prison or the cemetery wondering what happened.
The divorced or separated father may have a hard time participating in his child’s life. The end of any marriage or relationship is sad as the hopes and dreams die and the family’s stability is threatened. Parents are trying to cope with their personal losses including financial concerns, depression and loneliness, bitterness and acrimony between partners. In the midst of it all are vulnerable children who too are concerned about their stability as their whole world has just crashed and burned. Their father is no longer at home or around much, but he must still make time for the children. He must realize that the children miss him way more than he misses them. As a man, this is the time to keep your presence consistent and pick them up from school on regular days while putting aside specific weekends just for them. Stay involved in family events and activities while calling everyday. Try to be amicable with your ex, if possible, and don’t resort to arguments or violence. The children need to feel love and support through what might be the biggest upheaval in their young lives.
Another issue which is a tough one is incarceration. Some men who are incarcerated prefer to cut all ties with their children in order to avoid embarrassment. This is surely a life changing event for a father, but for a child it is just as devastating. Your child is left to face society without your protection and guidance. This does not mean that you cannot participate in your child’s life. Your physical presence may be gone, but you can still be a presence by contacting your child on special events, explaining to your child about life, having honest conversations with your child about life, society, human failings and forgiveness. Assure your child that incarceration is only a physical separation and keep the emotional attachment by writing letters, poems, or simply expressing your love.
“Needless to say I can’t wait to see if you’ll walk, talk and be persistent just like me. Who knows which path you’ll take. Just do your best is all I’ll ever say.”
Our Preparer
A good father prepares his children for life with its many twists, turns, highlights and disappointments. He makes sure that his children are mentally strong, educated and set with the skills in order to make a good honest living for themselves. Young boys often mimic their fathers so it’s important that a father be aware of his behaviour around his children. Fathers who engage in domestic violence may raise sons who do the same or their female children may end up in a similar relationship where she is abused. It’s about time that we break these cycles! The only way we can do this is to be aware that certain negative behaviours are observed and followed in the home and on the street. A father can prepare children for life by teaching them how to resolve conflict. He can teach them to use humour or how to stand their ground respectfully.
A hardworking father teaches his children work ethics to prepare them for the workplace. A father also shows a child how to relax, unwind and have fun. If your idea of having fun is getting drunk, smoking or being abusive, I guarantee you if your child is viewing this behaviour that he or she may well pick up the same destructive traits. Your downtime may be spending family time, having a barbecue and playing ball with your children. What a wonderful way for a man to prepare his children for parenthood. Your children should know now that Daddy is always there for advice, how to fix the flat tire or how to put back on the doll’s head. And later in life the questions will change to “What car should I buy,” “What kind of house should I build,” or “What should I do in my financial or relationship matter.” A present Dad, with all of his years’ experience, will be able to give advice to make his child independent and self-reliant.
“Watching you grow, I’ll savour our time. I’ll pay attention to what is on your mind.”
Our Playmate
Daddy will always be our first playmate, our first teammate and our first opponent. My fondest memory of my dad is greeting him at the front door in his dirty work clothes and me sitting on his foot. He in turn, weary from a day’s work, never failed to walk a few distances with me on his foot and then scoop me playfully onto his neck or throw me over his shoulders. Play is important to children. It improves their cognitive and social skills – teaching them to play by rules in addition to learning how to bond. Our favourite childhood friends are those that we played with the most and whose company we enjoyed the most. When fathers play with their children, they have access to their imagination, their creativity, their strengths and their weaknesses.
Respectful rough plays between father and sons, or brothers, are all part of male development. Learning to be able to physically defend yourself in a safe environment, whilst understanding the boundaries of when to stop so that you do not hurt someone, is something that daddies can teach. Dad is the one who tests your skills and abilities in kicking a football, the first bike ride or the first race. Fathers playfully tickling their daughters until they beg for mercy are the kind of playful positive memories that last a lifetime. This type of physical bonding interaction is essential for the social, cognitive and psychological development of the child.
“I’ll be your captain to navigate you a safe ride.”
In closing, fathers are vital to the upbringing of well-rounded children. Each missing father leaves a bigger hole in society. Our ancestors want our fathers to know that this is their ultimate role – being a positive and present father. As a father, you are the product of many strong men who possessed soft hands to hold and strong arms to shield and protect. You are amassed with that focused male energy which is necessary for us to push boundaries, to explore, to create, to protect and provide. You have been blessed with fathers who have overcome many obstacles to be able to pass on their many diverse skills and traits throughout generations. These same gifts have been passed on to you, so use them! The ancestors want you to pause for a moment, reflect and pass that shining torch on to the next generation. Through thick and thin, love one another, forgive one another and be a shining example of a true father: a Daddy!
Thank you to our guest contributor for reflections on fatherhood and concrete ways to become a better father. If you’d like to contribute to The Gender Corner, feel free to email Dr. Ronya Foy Connor, Gender Development Coordinator, Ministry of Home Affairs, The Valley, at Ronya.Foy-Connor@gov.ai or call at 497-2518.
