Have you ever felt so disappointed that it seems to resonate deep down in your soul? Well, if you never did, I have. We all experience disappointment at some point in life: low grades in an exam, poor job evaluations, health challenges, a failed relationship, the loss of a job or the death of a loved one. You name it, whatever it may be for you. Disappointments can be quite painful regardless of their magnitude.
Let us face it – we just cannot get away from them. None of us is ever going to get to the place in life where we have no more disappointments. So whenever they come, we just have to face them and deal with them head on. We cannot expect to be sheltered from every little thing life throws at us. Disappointment is a fact of life – one that must be dealt with. If not, discouragement and devastation are never far away.
Too often people end up devastated and don’t understand why. They seem to be going along just fine, and suddenly they fall by the roadside without knowing how or why. Many people don’t realize that the problem could have started a long time ago with a simple disappointment that they failed to work through. You see, everything is based on how you look at things – your perspective. It is not who, or what happened, that disappoints us. It is “what we think and feel as a result of an event” that makes us feel upset and disappointed.
In other words, it is what you “believe” about a situation – not reality – that will lead you to feel overwhelmingly disappointed. Thoughts are powerful! Different thoughts fuel different feelings. Often we have the knowledge within us to change a viewpoint and escape disappointment, but we get stuck rethinking the same negative thoughts which may not even be the truth. Therefore, in order to change our feelings, we need to first change our thoughts.
If you can control your thoughts, you can control your feelings. Disappointment is usually the final step before depression. Some people get out of disappointment while others crash land into depression. Understand that dealing with disappointment is an important step for preventing depression, and for preventing yourself from building false beliefs about life like “there is no more hope,” “all is lost” or “life is over”. It is important for you to learn how to cope with disappointment, or else you will not be able to function at all.
It is important that we choose to consciously embrace pain and loss. Life itself is not disappointing. It is those thoughts that we attach to whatever happens in our lives that cause feelings of disappointment. So the question then becomes: how do you work with major disappointment when it arises? The first thing you can do is consciously note it. Stay in the present moment and experience the pain that comes along with it. Don’t deny it, don’t push it away, but realize: “Ah, this is disappointment. Name what it tastes like. Where is it in your body? Is the feeling expanding or contracting?” Open to the experience of disappointment so that you can accept it and let it pass through your mind and heart. Then you can go on with your life’s journey and not be frozen in place by your pain.
There is a very important distinction between sorrow (pain) and grief (disappointment). “Sorrow is a natural response to loss,” but “grief is an unwillingness to accept what is.” Lingering disappointment comes about because there is a tendency to transform our loss into a story, instead of accepting it as an event. Maybe you had a disappointment in your childhood that you have carried around for decades; perhaps it was the way you were raised or something harmful that shaped your life. Maybe your disappointment is more recent: loss of a loved one, a failed relationship or a major disease.
No matter how disappointing or horrible it was, it is over now. Let the experience go, allow it to have its death in the flow of time, for it is a natural part of time. Allow its death to be the fertilizer for what you cultivate in the life that it has left you. It is in living with this conscious acceptance that the hell of disappointment is transformed into the celebration of life. Stop and count your other many blessings and give God thanks. No matter what the disappointment, it is almost never as bad as it seems, and there are always more ways out than you may think. You can deal with disappointment and come out stronger on the other side.
So my friends, if you are experiencing this pain of bereavement with me, let our feelings out. It is natural that you feel upset or even inconsolable. It is perfectly natural to feel incredibly upset and pained, so acknowledge and accept your pain. Do not be ashamed to cry or otherwise express your feelings. This does not necessarily mean to do so in public. Find a place where you feel safe to do so. Letting out your emotions are healthier than suppressing them.
Here are some other ideas to help you to deal with your feelings:
? Talk to a rational, calm, sympathetic friend or relative about your situation — preferably someone older who has had plenty of setbacks and can offer some more insight.
? Writing your feelings and thoughts down can help express frustration, anger, fear, and other negative feelings, too. This can be helpful if you can’t immediately talk to a sympathetic ear.
? Identify a real “disaster” versus something less dire. Remind yourself that people deal with problems far, far worse than what you are dealing with.
? Be aware and very careful writing about your disappointment on social media. It can be helpful to hear feedback and support from friends in times of disappointment but be careful of the particular situation.
? Adjusting your mindset. Get rid of negative thinking and thoughts and replace them with things that are positive and uplifting.
? Trust God fully. No matter the circumstances in your life, it is wise to bear in mind that God has complete control over your life. No matter what others may do or say, He has the final say. Allow God to take those disappointments and turn them into reappointments.
Remember: You can’t do anything about what’s gone, but you can do a great deal about what remains.
About the Author: Mrs. Marilyn Hodge owns and operates the Wellness Centre in the Farrington, Anguilla. The Centre offers Counselling Services by Appointment Only. Contact information: 476-3517 or email: marilynb@anguillanet.com. Referrals can also be made directly through the Atlantic Star Center of Medical Excellence, South Hill, Anguilla. By Appointment Only: Tel 497-0765.
