Incline my heart unto thy testimonies and not to covetousness (Psalm 119:36).
Have you ever been referred to as a selfish person? How did it make you feel deep down on the inside? If it is true, do you want to do something about it? Well, don’t feel disheartened! No one is immune. All of us have the tendency to be selfish if we really stop and think about it seriously. Sometimes it comes naturally for us to put ourselves, our wants, our desires, above everything else; but if we want to live healthy and fulfilled lives, we need to eliminate selfishness from our lives. It is a very destructive force and one of the major enemies of relationships.
In order for us to change our selfish behaviour, it is important for us to find out and examine what exactly is meant by the term selfishness and what reason drives it. Simply put, selfishness is acting or thinking of one’s own well-being alone. Selfish persons don’t have room in their thoughts or consideration for others. They are completely self-absorbed. Their entire world is completely about themselves. They serve their own pleasures regardless of how their actions affect others. They don’t have the ability to imagine the thoughts and feelings of others. They have little or no ability to empathize. In essence, when we are concerned primarily with our own interests and benefits, regardless of others, we are being selfish.
Selfishness stems from deprivation. This deprivation may exist in either their conscious or subconscious mind. The feeling of deprivation drives selfish persons to behave in ways that they believe will ensure the end to their apparent misery. There is a sense of entitlement and expectation that justifies their bad behaviour.
Selfish people usually become threatened when attention is paid to others. They have difficulty letting other people win, get accolades, or be admired. They cannot listen to someone else’s opinions, stories, or advice without turning it back to themselves. They are also not truly sincere when they wish someone else success.
Selfish people have a need to control and are not willing to reach compromises with others. When they want something they are willing to trample over others to make sure they get it. Selfishness leads them to do whatever it takes to look out for number one – ‘themselves’. They will lie, pout, manipulate someone, distort the truth; anything to get their own way. Usually, encounters with such people often leave others feeling hurt or used and abused to a great extent.
While it is difficult to recognise a selfish person readily, there are particular traits and peculiar behaviours that are notably characteristic of such a person:
? Cutting in line.
? Storming into a room unannounced.
? Throwing a temper tantrum.
? Doing something only for one’s benefit.
? Lying to stay out of trouble.
? Saying things like –“It’s my way or the highway”.
? Monopolising the conversation.
? Displaying a very uncaring attitude and a strong “Me first” trait.
? Being manipulative, scheming and plotting most of the times.
? Holding and hoarding things to themselves.
Do you recognize any of these characteristics of selfishness in yourself? If so, it is never too late to change. Each of us must take responsibility for our inner motivations and external behaviours if we desire to make that change. We can only live a healthy and full life when we are able to consider what is truly best for others, instead of focusing on how others can be of benefit to us.
Being selfish puts us at a great disadvantage as it negatively impacts our relationships. First and foremost, you will find it hard to develop and maintain fulfilling friendships and intimate relationships. People will not associate with you for long if you repeatedly show, through your words and actions, that you only care about yourself.
Another big disadvantage you will encounter, if you are selfish, is in doing any kind of business. If all you worry about is how you can profit from others, with no regard for them, then sooner or later your business will fail as your integrity and trustworthiness will be questioned. Selfishness will affect your business life.
A glance at biblical examples highlights the problem of selfishness in the lives of others. Jonah was upset because a worm had destroyed a vine that shaded him from the scorching sun. Yet he didn’t care that many men, women and children in Nineveh might be destroyed. Two disciples (James and John) selfishly asked for positions of power in Christ’s coming kingdom. Other examples include Haman’s selfish conceit, and in the story of the Good Samaritan and Levite bypassing the wounded man.
If you too are struggling with selfishness and desire to overcome it, here are some things you can do:
? Search your heart. Ask yourself, what is it that is making me so selfish?
? Admit that you are a selfish person and ask God to change your attitude and behaviour.
? Look for opportunities to be unselfish: Be helpful and generous to others without selfish motives. Be sensitive to people’s needs around you. Discern who may be in need of your assistance and reach out to them in a caring manner. This will help to keep the focus off yourself.
If needed, repeat this prayer:
O Lord, how often selfishness, will raise its ugly head,
So help me, Lord to conquer it, and show your love instead.
By – D. De Haan
Remember, the root of our problem is selfishness in our heart. Many problems could be solved if we lived for what we could do for others and not for what we could get for ourselves.
About the Author: Mrs. Marilyn Hodge owns and operates the Wellness Centre in the Farrington, Anguilla. The Centre offers Counselling Services by Appointment Only and has now published Positive Living Volume 2. Contact information: 476-3517 or email: marilynb@anguillanet.com. www.facebook.com/axawellnesscentre
