“The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit” (Palms 34.18).
Losing someone or something you love is very painful. After a significant loss, you may experience all kinds of difficult and surprising emotions such as shock, anger and guilt. Sometimes it may feel like the sadness will never let up. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Accepting them as part of the grieving process, and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary for healing.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve — but there are healthy ways to cope with the pain. You can get through it! Grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one – and this type of loss does often cause the most intense grief. But any loss can cause grief, including:
? A relationship breakup
? Loss of health
? Losing a job
? A miscarriage
? Death of a pet
? Loss of a cherished dream
? A loved one’s serious illness
? Loss of a friendship
? Loss of safety after a trauma
The more significant the loss, the more intense is the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home or retiring from a career you loved.
Everyone grieves differently
Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors including your personality and coping style, your life experiences, your faith and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually. It can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold naturally.
There are five stages of grief:
1. Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
2. Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
3. Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
4. Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
5. Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
If you are experiencing any of these emotions, following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who is grieving goes through all of these stages – and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be at.
Here are some things you can do that will help you to cope:
? Set aside a regular time for grieving. Read, reminisce the times spent together. Write about the experience that stands tall in your mind, look at pictures, think about your day, draw, paint, go running or just soak in a tub.
? Eat healthy food. Your physical health can become affected if you don’t take care of yourself.
? Be careful of drugs and alcohol use. Misuse of these will only deaden and prolong the pain. The pain will still be there after the effects of the drugs wear off.
? Rest as much as you need to. Don’t do any activity you or others think you should do if you don’t have the energy. Short naps may help.
? Keep a regular schedule that includes exercise. Keep lists to help you remember what you are supposed to be doing.
? Avoid people or places that are irritating.
? Avoid making major life decisions such as moving or changing jobs. Small changes in furniture arrangement or in your routine will help you cope.
? Seek healing help – massage, support group or counselling.
? Use constructive ways to deal with anger: exercise, writing in a journal or compose songs or poetry. Keep striving for positive change.
? Write a good-bye letter or prepare some other meaningful ritual such as candle lighting.
? Make a memory book with favourite pictures.
? Make a memory box with objects that belong to, or remind you of, the person who died.
? Try to do things that bring you pleasure.
? Accept that people will say incredibly insensitive and hurtful things. They may be totally unaware because they really don’t know what to say.
? Give yourself permission to have rough times on birthdays, holidays and anniversaries.
? To mark the anniversary of the death of your loved one, prepare a remembrance ritual. Do something you believe he or she would have appreciated.
? Most importantly, learn how to forgive yourself and others. You probably did the best you could at the time with the knowledge and experience that you had.
Remember: Grieving is a part of life. We just have to learn to deal and cope with it when it comes.
This article is dedicated to all the hurting families in our community. May God grant you comfort and peace as you go through these difficult times.
About the Author: Mrs. Marilyn Hodge owns and operates the Wellness Centre in the Farrington, Anguilla. The Centre offers Counselling Services by Appointment Only. Contact information: 476-3517 or email: marilynb@anguillanet.com.
