Tuesday, 17th December 2013 (North Side, Anguilla) —This article is the third and final segment in my series of Spirit-inspired opinion editorials regarding protecting human beings from all forms of abuse. I continue the conversationstarted in Breaking The Code Of Silence andLiving In A Time Of No Secretspublished in The Anguillian on Friday, 18th October and 15th November 2013.
In today’s world, we’re challenged to speak publically about painful or unpleasant subjects that might not be considered Kosher or acceptable to discuss in mixed company.My intention in writing about these topics is to help us create a better world in which all a’ we can live healthy lifestyles and that will ultimately help us move our lives progressively forward.
Our community vision is to raiseconscious awareness to address some very serious mattersregarding the necessity to protect all children and women.Despite worldwide organisational efforts to educate people on human rights, we have far too many daily incidents of girls and womenfolkstill being severely mistreated. Unless we consciously and diligently work together to change these abusive patterns, theywill continue from one generation to the next.
In this week’s part 3, I will specifically examine sexual abuse as it relates to children and parents. Ispeak of the responsibility of parents to protect every child, not merely the favoured boy-child or prodigal son.
Whether a father or mother is aware of abusive incidents when they actually occurred is unimportant. What I opine is that as soon as a parent is informed or has knowledge of any abuse perpetrated against a child, he or she has an obligation to do whatever it takes to protect the child from further harm.
Yet, in many cases, this isn’t possible because the parent is repeating a generational pattern of keeping secrets or doing as he or she was taught growing up or experienced at a young age.
A parent’s responsibility is to protect every child
According to biblical teachings, a parent has a divine responsibility to protect a child who’s brought forth into this world and to do so to the best of her or his ability. Sometimes this means keeping a son distant from a daughter because he was abusive to her.
That may be a tough stance to take, protecting one child from another, but we ought not sacrifice or favour one child at the expense of another child’shealth and safety.Yet across the globe, in 2013, these incidences are exactly what we witness happening in too many families.
So I pose these threequestions for contemplation; Why do we in today’s societies sacrifice our daughters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, and other females to protect our sons, husbands, uncles, grandfathers and other men? Do we believe males are more valuable than females? Would we consider ourselves to be “bad” parents or negligent in our parental duties if we acknowledged the truth about abuses that happened to our children?
There are no manuals to teach us on how to be “good” parents or how to properly parent children. However, if we live by a code of conduct that incorporates ethics and integrity, honesty and truthfulness, kindness and love, compassion and understanding, then I believe we would be more apt to do the right thing when such circumstances arise.
It isn’t easy for anyone of us to admit our shortcomings as human beings. Nonetheless, if we wish to grow and create change for ourselves, our children and our nations, then that’s exactlywhat we must do. We must do right in the sight of the Creator.
Denying a child was abused
We may believe it’s less painful to deny something happened than to actually take initiative and confront the awful situation. Dealing with an unpleasant or challenging issue takes courage and it also takes serious work to address it.
Some people believe they don’t have the inner strength for healing work or to getthrough life’s circumstances.One thing for sure, thatI know, is all things are possiblewith God. We can face our worst nightmares when the Lord iswalking by our side.
Pointing the finger of blame
In some instances, a parent will blame a child for the abuseoccurring. A mother might say to a daughter if you didn’t dress like a “hootchie mamma”, you wouldn’t have been molested. She may tell the child she’s promiscuous eventhough it was actually date rape. The mother may blame the daughter for domestic violencehappeningto her merely because she was staying at a boyfriend’s apartment.
It’s never the fault of a child, woman or man for being raped by another person. The guilt always falls on the abuser, the predator, of such inhumane acts.We have to recognise there are wicked people who prey on others’ weaknesses and we must do everything we can to protect the innocent victims.
We need to rid ourselves of misconstrued beliefs that a girl or woman is raped because she is “loose” (or immoral) in her behaviour or the clothing she wears.That’s a false conception. All kinds of females from six-month old babies to elderly women are sexually violated everyday.
What happens when a parent denies a child was abused?
A parent who denies a daughter or son experienced sexual abuse causes grave harm to the child. This isparticularly true when the perpetrator is a husband, brother, son, uncle, supposedlya “good” neighbour or a “favoured” teacher. Denying the abuse occurred often allows the abuser to maintain a daily presence in the victim’slife.
When fathers and mothers refuse to acknowledge the abusehappened, the adults are basically telling the children that they lied or didn’t tell the truth. Taking such a stance breaks the bond of trust between parent and child. It’s devastating to a child, whether he or she is young or old, for that unconditional loving support to be broken by a parent.
Impressions left on children’s psyches from experiencing such horrific acts, and being told they weren’t truthful in recounting them, last for a long time. They adversely impact the child’s relationship within the family even asa mature adult. Parents need to comprehend the awkward position children are put in when a mother or father denies the abuse occurred.A parent is unable to properly address any wrongdoings perpetuated against the child when he or she doesn’t believe the incidents really transpired.
As human beings, we must learn to break away from age-old habits of denial. Denying something doesn’t exist, didn’t happen, or isn’t real, doesn’t make the issues or problems go away. It only exacerbates the situation. When abuse is denied, the post-traumatic stress syndromes keepre-surfacing and aren’t given a chance to be healed.
Facing painful awareness of an abusive family member
In older generations, like my parents’ age, families grew up keeping “skeletons hidden in the closet”. Secrets weren’t exposed. Sexual abuse and domestic violence were neveropenly discussed. Children who were abused suffered in silence.Women who wereabuse survivors were afraid to give birth to girl children for fear of repeating the cycle of abuse. Family relationships were made to appear peaceful on the surface, but writhed away deep in hearts.
For any child to tell a parent she or he was abused by a family membertakes immense courage. Yet there are some parents who refuse to believe the incidents occurred and who won’t address these situations. By parents taking non-action, families areultimately divided and split apart.
When we don’t deal withsocietal ills, we face repercussions in the future. Merely because the abuser is no longer perpetuating sexual acts does not mean that he or she has stopped abusing the victim. So we need to pay attention and properly attend to these life-threateningmatters.
A woman may continue to live in fear of the abuser, as he may have discontinued the molestation, but still threatens to do her bodily harm or is bullying. By having to come face to face with the abuser again and again can cause a survivor to experience further anxiety and stress.Continually seeing or having to interact with the perpetratordoesn’t give the wounded individual a realistic opportunity tohealcompletely.
Fear whether real or imagined can paralyse a person.It causes an individual to beinternally alert, puts her or him on edge whenever sheor he sees the person who abused her or him. Memories or feelingstowards the abuser cannot be laid to rest because eye contact or communication with the abuser is a constant reminder of what happened in the past. We must remember that a person can forgive, but will never forget.
How do families deal with child abuse?
Parentsare encouraged tohave family talks about sexual abuse and domestic violence. Speakwith children, youth and young people regarding what to do when someone approaches them in an unsolicited or inappropriate manner. Look, listen, monitor and report any suspicious behaviour to the proper authorities. When necessary, we ought to seek professional counselling to help our families dealcorrectly with childabuse issues.
In some cases, it may requirea parent supporting the child who was abused by standing on her side during a court hearing petitioning for her protection. Another parent may need to ensure the child who was the abuser attends psychiatric counselling sessions. It could benefit the entire family if a trained mediator listened to all sides, assessed the family’s situation and helped the family through the healing process.
As parents, guardians and adults, we have a responsibility to effectivelyand proactively care for the children who are in our charge. We must treat every daughter and sonwith fairness, neither favouring boys overs girls, or men instead of women.
Where to go for assistance with healing
There area number of abundant opportunities which can help us to heal ourselves. With Spirit’s guidance, we can recover from any traumatic life experience. We just have to know where to go to seek assistance and start the healing process.
On Anguilla, a trained licensed healthcare practitioner can offer traditional counselling methods. Contact clinical psychologist Dr Oluwakemi M Linda Banks of Sunshine Lady Professional Services(telephone 264 235 3456 or 264 497 2911;office #26-27 Caribbean Commercial Centre, The Valley). Psychological counselling isn’t compulsory, but it’s essential in certain cases like working with young children who’ve been abused.
Other options include non-traditional healing techniques utilised bylife coaches and spiritual teachers.Perhaps viewing TV programmes like Oprah’s Lifeclass or Iyanla, Fix My Life on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) channel might help jump-start self-created healing initiatives. Seeingreal people’s lives can give us examples and teachcoping skills.
Both Oprah Winfrey and Iyanla Vanzant, who host thetelevision shows, are authors, inspirational speakers, life coaches and spiritual teachers. They’ve “walked the walk and talk the talk” of life experiences, and their words of wisdomareinspiring.
Conclusion
We’re all on this journey called life and can offer protection to each other.Some of our experiences are pleasant. Others are not. Everyone has a chance to heal and become whole.
Talk about painful moments with a trusted friend. Compose a poem to express feelings. Paint or draw colourful pictures ofemotions and memories. Do whatever is nurturing to your mind, body and soul. Choose what works best for you.
Be the instrument of change that you desire to be and co-create your destiny.May Jah continue tobless and heal our nation, people and planet!
Kay M Ferguson is a Creative Professional Writer and Editor, who advocates for parents to take responsibility for protecting their children against all forms of abusive treatment. Tolink with Kay, callher mobile 1.264.476.8735 or US landline 1.206.388.4848. E-mail her at anguillawriter @gmail.com or send an e-message at www.facebook.com/kaymferguson,www.linkedin.com/kay-m-ferguson or tweet#@kaykayferguson.
