Insecurity is a big problem, both for people who are insecure and for those people who live with them, work with them or have a love relationship with them. Therefore it is important for you to know if you are an insecure person, or if you are able to identify those persons in your life who are.
According to the Concise Dictionary, insecurity is defined as a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of confidence or anxiety about yourself and having feelings of selfdoubt.
Emotional security is the measure of the stability of an individual’s emotional state. Emotional insecurity, or simply insecurity, is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be vulnerable or inferior in some way, or a sense of vulnerability or instability which threatens one’s self-image or ego.
There is no doubt that we all have insecurities about something at one point or other in our lives. Everyone feels insecure at times, but some people are better at managing it while others do not. Hence, grasping the insecurities of another can help us to understand them better, and it can also help us to ward off the less thoughtful things that those people sometimes do or say.
Secure persons know who they are, are not threatened by the growth and intelligence of other people, and are comfortable with themselves and their place in the world. However, on the other hand, insecure people lack confidence in themselves and are not sure about who they are or what they believe in. These people are usually very vulnerable people. They are easily shaped by the views, opinions, and ideas of others because they are uncertain about their own values – and they are unwilling to question the ideas of other people or stand up for themselves.
You may be wondering, what are some of the things that cause people to feel insecure. There are a number of different possibilities behind what makes a person insecure. Here are a few of them:
a) A person may have had poor formative experiences that have stunted aspects of their personality.
b) They may have had a chaotic, violent or distressing childhood, adolescent or early adulthood experiences.
c) They may live in fear of someone.
d) They may have been subjected to very rigid expectations, or have never been allowed to express their feelings.
e) Insecurity can arise as a result of peer pressure or societal expectations. Feeling as if you are not living up to standards set by media images.
f) Insecurity can occur because of a past experience of failure and through a lack of resilience. The insecure person doesn’t see the past failure onceoff but instead has allowed it to colour all future experiences and interactions.
If perchance, you would like to know if you are an insecure person, here are some ways for you to find out:
1. Control Freak – One of the first signs of insecurity is the need to be a control freak. The need to control can definitely stem from fear, and fear often goes hand in hand with insecurity. Do you have to be in control of what you and your friends do? If so, pay attention to the controlling behaviour and consider the root. No one wants to be controlled.
2. Bullying – Sometimes people are so insecure about themselves that they have to lash out and pick on others in order to make themselves feel better. This behaviour is bullying and it is not right. If you are a secure person you don’t need to pick on others in order to make yourself feel better. The only person that you are competing against in this life is you.
3. Arrogance – Have you known someone who can’t stop talking about how amazing they are? Have you also noticed them share personal insecurities? It is not unusual for people to try to overcompensate for their lack of confidence with elevating themselves. Secure people are confident and insecure people are arrogant.
4. Jealousy – If you are always jealous of others then it may be time to start being grateful for what you have and stop comparing yourself to others.
5. You are extremely negative to others. The competitiveness in putting others down, to build your own self up is a mechanism people use to cope with their insecurities.
6. Sulking. This is a trait of a highly manipulative insecure person who wants to gain control by throwing a fit of moodiness aimed at causing someone to change his/her approach, attitude, or actions.
7. Gossiping and back-stabbing. These actions fairly much speak for themselves. They arise from insecurities precisely because a secure person would never feel the need to spend energies on dragging down other people just to make themselves look better.
8. Too competitive or too authoritarian. If someone behaves as if every interaction is a competition, or every situation is an opportunity to boss around others and show them up, then insecurity sits at the heart of such behaviour. If persons are in a position of power (such as a boss, coach, group leader, etc.) but they lack the confidence to carry out their role, they may try their best to make others around them look bad, as well as placing mediocre cronies into positions that support them. Indeed, not sharing information or letting others have a free rein to blossom under one’s leadership is a sure sign of insecurity.
9. An insecure person becomes overtly selfish. He or she tries to surround him or herself with possessions, accolades and attention. Abundance makes him or hersecure and feel protected. When he or she has got many friends and a lot of money to support his or her life, he or she feels like nothing can get him or her. It is obviously a wrong sense of security because it depends on external factors.
10. Over jealousy is yet another sign of insecure people as they lack trust in their partners. This is visible in constant questioning, mistrust and altercations with the members of the opposite sex.
11. Insecure people even become abusive if they fail to control their partners, close friends or colleagues.
Once you have identified your own insecurities, it is important that you deal with them. They are not set in stone and they are not an essential part of you, but they are indicators of the parts of your character and thoughts that need working on. It is possible to work on your insecurities alone by keeping a journal of your daily thoughts, asking yourself questions about why certain people and things upset you, and learning to both assert and stand up for yourself. It is essential for you to find out your true values and be sure you are not parroting those of someone else, no matter how important that person has been in your life. If you are unable to do this alone, it is wise to seek professional help. It is also wise for you to bear in your mind that jealousy doesn’t show how much you love someone – it only shows how insecure you are.
Remember: if there is someone out there who doesn’t like you, for whatever reason, don’t let the insecurities in their lives affect yours.
About the Author: Mrs. Marilyn Hodge owns and operates the Wellness Centre in the Farrington, Anguilla. The Centre offers Counselling Services by Appointment Only. Contact information: 476-3517 or email: marilynb@anguillanet.com. Referrals can also be made directly through the Atlantic Star Center of Medical Excellence, South Hill, Anguilla. By Appointment Only: Tel 497-0765
