Monday, 14th October 2013 (North Side, Anguilla) —Tonight, I find myself confronting an old demon that I wish to exorcise. It’s not something that I have truly spoken about publicly. Some persons have heard me talk on this subject and listened to me passionately advocate for ways to heal the wounds. Yet, it is a very serious matter that is dear to my heart – and one that I have decided to break the code of silence and address within the Anguilla community.
Recent reports of young girls having been raped whilst on their way home from school have forced me to speak out- to voice what many children and women are afraid to talk of for various reasons. They may fear further victimisation or the abuser’s threats of what he/she will do if they don’t keep silent. Even feelings of shame, blame or disgust for one’s own self image can cause a person to remain quiet and not reveal the truth.
This topic is not an easy discussion for any of us to have in public or with our own families.However, I step out on faith knowing that God, who is The Most High Divine Spirit, is guiding me to write these words, so that others will have the courage to no longer be afraid to speak up. I write from the perspective of a woman who, as a child and young adult, personally experienced sexual abuse. Nonetheless, I have, through the grace of the Lord and with my own diligent efforts, as well as with the help of others, overcome the post-traumatic stress syndrome created by these horrific experiences.
Today, I can honestly declare that I am a survivor of such heinous crimes perpetrated against my physical body. I’m no longer afraid of anyone who might dare attempt to violate my human rights.I stand tall in who I have become – an empowered, spiritually grounded and conscious woman.Yet, as I compose these words, I’m still working on my own healing process because layers of painful emotions run deep like oceans of tears – and memories of what I went through are often triggered and re-surface when present day events occur. Such was the case when I attended the powerful theatre performance of Somebody Help Me Please held at the Ruthwill Auditorium on Saturday, 21st September 2013.
I continue to work on creating healing initiatives for individualism our community who have been involved in similar experiences, and I pray these words will reach not only the hearts of those who have been abused, but the abusers as well. My prayers are that we will heal from the traumas imbedded in our emotional psyches, so that all a’ we can move positively forward with our lives.
In this week’s editorial, I have chosen to share a case study of one young girl/woman who experienced several incidents of sexual abuse, and to emphasise the life-long adverse impact these wounding experiences have had on her. This story is based on real facts and true incidents. However, the names of the persons involved remain anonymous to hide the identity of the innocent victims/survivors as well as the perpetrators.
A young girl’s story of abuse that began at an early age
As far as she can remember, her story of abuse began around the age of four or five years. The first offender was a neighbour who was supposed to be like a grandfather to her. Unbeknownst to her parents, the man turned out to be a paedophile (an adult who sexually preys on children), and she suppressed the memory of these experiences until many years later.
The second incident of abuse occurred around the age of 12 years with a close relative whom she had to interact with in her family. It was the most difficult experience for her to overcome because she was unable to fathom how her brother could be so abusive towards her. Her young impressionable mind could not comprehend the depth of the mental sickness that he had, which would make him commit such heinous acts with his own sister.
She didn’t remember any threats her brother made to keep her quiet and not speak a word to anyone. Yet, she instinctively knew that he had said something that made her not tell her father and mother until she was an adult.She was also filled with much shame believing it was her fault for the abuse happening in the first place.
In the psychological studies or profiles that we may have read of sex offenders, we often assume persons who commit these acts were also at one time or another victims of the very crimes they committed. Yet, this may not be true in all cases. According to the sister’s statement, the brother shared information with her when they were both grown adults. He told her how he was introduced to sex at a young age, which could be an indication that he was also sexually abused.
Experiencing abuse as a young adult
After the first two experiences of sexual abuse, the young girl who was now a young adult had three other similar experiences of abuse and domestic violence. The third incident was as a young person of 18 years of age at university. It was a classic incident of “date rape”.A young man, who took her out on a date, forced her into a compromising position of having sexual intercourse.
The fourth incident of abuse occurred later when she was approximately 30 years of age. In her naiveté of youth and inexperience, she got involved with a boyfriend who used cocaine as a recreational drug. She believed that she could convince him with words of wisdom to stop using a harmful narcotic. However, he snapped one night when they were together and became physically abusive towards her. His excuse for doing what he did was he was under pressure on the job.
Fortunately, after the incident occurred, she called a crisis hotline for counselling.Then she telephoned a girlfriend and her husband who came and took her to their private residence. The next day when she returned to the boyfriend’s apartment to collect her belongings,a male cousin accompanied her. The boyfriend showed up with two police officers whilst they were there, but the officers made him leave the premises after hearing her tell what had happened.
She ended the relationship with the boyfriend and attended a women’s group counselling sessions for battered women. As well, she filed an official report with a court appointed mediator to establish a written record of the incident.
The last experience of emotional and verbal abuse that she experienced was with a man to whom she was engaged. She first noticed signs of the fiancé being verbally abusive towards other people when they travelled together. Then one day he was verbally abusive, yelling and screaming at her.He attempted to apologise giving her flowers and cooking dinner.
Again common sense reigned, and she recognised that the man’s verbal abuse could lead to physical abuse. So she called off the engagement and dissolved the relationship with him.
How do we survive experiences of abuse?
We can see from this case study how we can easily get caught up in repeating the same patterns of our past experiences, and we may wonder how people survive such experiences of abuse. All of us find various different coping mechanisms to get through traumatic episodes or crises in our lives. Our minds are resilient in masking what is too painful to deal with until we are ready to bring it forward into consciousness to be examined and healed.
As a child and teenager, I suppressed memories I had of being abused.Years later the painful thoughts started surfacing in my dreams, and I had to deal with the memory of what I went through when I was younger. It takes deep, intense work to heal from the wounds of having been sexually or in other ways abused. This includes the person who does the abusing too. So we must all do whatever we can to root out these evil deeds and to help our children,youths, women,and men heal from the experiences that they have suffered.
How do we begin the healing process?
My strongest recommendation is to start talking about the experiences. Speak of the painful feelings and images that you’ve kept locked inside your mind. If you can’t talk, then write stories, compose poems, draw pictures or create art, music from what you remember.
Having a spiritual partner/woman friend to support me in my healing work helped tremendously. I also joined support groups that specifically addressed issues of healing from sexual abuse. I had compassionate healthcare providers who allowed me opportunities to talk about the emotions I was feeling inside. As well, I did my own inner contemplative work and often wrote about whatever was surfacing mentally. Sometimes I composed letters to the people I wanted to confront, which never got sent, but they helped me work through the emotions I felt.
What can we individually and collectively do to help address this serious social issue?
Often there are signs of a child or woman being abused, but we are in denial and do not want to recognise that this may really be happening. If you notice such symptoms, or suspect someone is either being abused or is an abuser, don’t keep quiet. Speak out, and tell the authorities or trusted persons who will be proactive – and take action to properly address the situation.
Emphasise teaching our children and youths about the sacredness of the human body and what to do if they should be abused – who to talk with and how to seek help. As adults, we can also abstain from sexual activity, as a path to healing ourselves and as a way to show the young people how to honour and love their bodies first and foremost.
Already, we are recognising the need to do more publicly in these areas with radio advertisements on protecting our children, and with the play presented by the Sunshine Theatre Company and Ministry of Social Development supported by UNICEF and local sponsors. Shorter performance segments could be presented in the schools and else where along with counselling sessions and group discussions. These could be undertaken before and after performances, as issues and questions will arise from the audience after viewing the play. Perhaps even having the performing artistes talk about how they prepared for such intense dramatic roles would also be beneficial.
We must commend the governmental agencies for developing a five-week training workshop on domestic violence for the Royal Anguilla Police Force Officers. We need to encourage these agencies to continue doing this important work – and support them by volunteering our services: holding town hall meetings throughout our villages, churches and other venues to open up public dialogue on best practices in eradicating this problem, how we can change current laws,and drafting of legislation. It would also benefit us to form active working support groups in the community that will enhance psychological counselling persons receive from licensed healthcare providers.
We can all be the instruments of change that we wish to be, and do what we can to move ourselves and Anguilla forward.May God continue to bless, protect and heal everyone of us, and our beloved Caribbean island nation of Anguilla!
Kay M. Ferguson is a Creative Professional Writer and Editor who has taken to heart the initiative to personally speak out on this serious worldwide epidemic of sexual abuse and violence perpetrated against children, youths and women. To share your story confidentially with Kay, you may call her mobile or US landline numbers 1.264.476.8735 or 1.206.388.4848, or submit your story bye-mail atanguillawriter@gmail.com. You can also send an e-message to www.facebook.com/kaymferguson,www.linkedin.com/kay-m-ferguson, or tweet #@kaykayferguson.
