Sunday, 21st July 2013 (North Side, Anguilla)—This Sunday morning, I find myself reflecting on the memories that we have of loved ones who have passed, as well as having thoughts of those who are still alive. Sometimes there are tragic or even ordinary events, that happen in life, which cause us to lose someone who was very special to us. We often wonder why this person had to be taken from our lives so abruptly. There are also traumatic incidents that have occurred with loved ones whose memories we have suppressed because they were too painful to hold on to in our conscious minds.
In either case, as human beings we generally lock emotions inside of ourselves with the memories that we have held on to or the ones that we have pushed to the far regions of our brains and thought that we had forgotten. At times, it is a brief flash of memory, or a small incident that occurs, which can trigger our memories of “the good, the bad and the ugly” events that happened in the past. The rising up of these memories usually bringswith it emotions or feelings that are attached to the memories. Some of them can be quite deep seated in our psyches and have powerful emotional or psychological effects on our mental health and the wellbeing or wholeness of our minds, bodies and souls.
During the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a number of memories and thoughts come to surface regarding loved ones. Some of the memory came about through conversations I had with various persons. Others arose because of news received from overseas of the death of a friendwho was a part of my circle of sister-friends (women with whom we share the intimate and spiritual details of our lives). Then more were brought up from hearing of individuals in our community who died, and attending a service for someone who had passed two decades ago.
There are many ways in which we each deal with our memories. Listed beloware some of the things that have been found to be effective in helping individuals deal with the loving and not so loving memories of loved ones who have passed or are still living.
Attend or participate in memorial services
On Saturday afternoon, I participated actively and silently in two memorial servicesheld on Anguilla that were arranged to honour loved ones who had passed. I listened to the live radio broadcast of the funeral service that took place at one of the local churches for the uncle of a friend. Hearing the wailing of a woman’s cry over the airwaves made me realise how much pain we feel when a relative passes even at an elderly age.
Later that day, I went to a friend’s home for the celebration of the life of her daughter who had passed away at the young age of 16 years. This service was more joyous because it had been 20 years since the death of the young lady. So the memories of news of her passing were not quite as fresh as if the young person had just passed away. Thus, remembering her was, I suspect, less pain filled. However, there still were the unanswered questions of why she had to be taken at such a young age and what was the real cause of her death. Only God can give us the truthful answers to those questions.
In our paths to healing, closure and releasingthe hurtful wounding of our souls, I believe that we must bring up the mind’s thoughts, feelings and emotions in loving memory of those who have passed on as well as those who are still living. Funerals, memorial services and celebrations of life, like those previously mentioned above, help us to remember the deceased loved ones and to honour our memories of them. However, lest we forget, we must also bring up the memories that might not have been so pleasant in order to let go of the pain or trauma associated with them.
Share the loving and not so loving memories
There are many ways in which we can share our loving memories and also release the not so loving memories. As I witnessed on Saturday, 20thJuly 2013, some individuals choose to write, tell or recite stories or poetry about the loved one. We even had a brief sermon by one of the neighbours who is a pastor that gave us encouragement through the Word of God. It was also quite inspiring to bear witness to the spoken words of a young man,a cousin of the deceased relative whom he had not known whilst she was alive.Hewas able to compose a beautiful poem in honour of his cousin who passed away 20 years ago.
Perhaps the youth was able to write poetry for his cousin because of the wonderful memories of her that had been shared by the family members and friends who had known her before she died. Listening to her sister read the story she had composed regarding her sister’s death gave us insight into how a child of 10 or 11 years of age was affected by the untimely passing of her older sibling. Hearing the mother speak of what she felt and what she would have done differently if she had the opportunity to re-live this experience before her child’s death taught us lessons on how one survives the tragediesthat occur in life.
Release or let go of the not so loving memories
For myself, I have found that writing, reading, prayer and contemplation or meditation are the best ways to work through whatever loving and not so loving memories I have held in my mind’s recessed memory bank. Sometimes it causes me to have to go to the depths of my soul to dig up and root up an emotion or recollection of a remembered event or conversationthat I latched onto long ago in my childhood, youth or as an adult. I have had to be brutally honest and truthful with myself as to what I felt.
Doing this healing work has meant that I could not hide behind my normal characteristics of wanting to be the peacemaker, forgiver, meditator and compassionate loving person. I had to delve into the depths of the “ugly or bad” feelings that I thought I had to keep suppressed. It is not always easy work to do to heal one’s self because it requires a tremendous amount of effort to do whatever it takes to heal the inner self.
Sometimes we don’t always like what we see in ourselves and have learned to suppress or hide the thoughts, emotions and feelings that we sense are not how a good person should feel or think. But there is a duality to life that allows us to feel all range of emotions, the positive and the negative. It is what we do with those emotions, which determines our personal characters.
Of course, I’m also blessed to have a few close girlfriends (my women friends who are like sisters on this journey of life), as well as spiritual teachers and healthcare providers who have helped me along the healing path. They have allowed me to talk out loud in confidence about what has weighed down my mind’s thoughts or was hindering my soul’s growth. Being able to speak of what I was feeling inside myself has helped me to get clarity and to see what God has tried to show me by other means. And most definitely writing in my journal, on paper or using the computer to type the words rambling around in my head gives me a hard copy document to review later after I’ve passed through the storm of emotions and have the ability to see clearly the lessons that weremeant to be learned.
You too must find ways to express your loving and not so loving memories that will help you to not only honour the persons living or deceased, but as wellwill help you to grow and become a better person. Write poems, compose a song, do a little jingle, tell a story, think of something humorous to share, create a memory board or photo album, design a work of art like a quilt, wood carving or watercolour painting. Go fishing, swimming or walk the beach and be outdoors in nature.Name a child, boat or pet in honour of the deceased or living person. Talk to a friend, pastor, teacher, doctor, counsellor or psychologist—any person whom you trust to maintain confidentiality.
Read the Holy Bible, Koran, Torah or other religious/spiritual books because reading the scripturesand enlightening words will help uplift your downtrodden spirits.The Psalms are always my favourite to read when I need inspiration from the Word of God during times of trouble or I’m facing challenges.Some of the others books that I enjoy reading to uplift the darkness of my soul when going through life’s experiences are American Buddhist Nun Pema Chödrön’s When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times or The Places That Scare You, A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Timesas well as the inspirational writings ofIn the Spiritby former Essence magazine Editor-in-Chief Susan Taylor.
Find what works for you on your path of remembering memories
Whether your memories of loved ones are positive or negative, please don’t keep the memories locked up inside yourselves. We need to hear your stories, so that we too can remember and also heal.
Just discover what works best for you, which allows you to hold onto the loving memories and let go of the not so loving ones. Call on the Lord to aid you in peeling back “the layers of an onion” in your memory bank. Some of the memoriesmay have held you captive by keeping you holding onto recollections of sad, traumatic or emotional events. Whatever you decide to do remember as Spiritual Teacher Swami Gurumayi Chidvilasananda said,“to take small measurable steps” that can help you to accomplish your goal of remembering the loving memories and releasing the mind’s painful imagines.
It may take years of working on yourself to come full circle back to being the whole, healthy, vibrant human being whom God created you to be at birth, but I know that you can do it with hard work and sincere effort. Wishing you the Lord’s blessings to help you heal those not so loving memories and to awaken your heart to remembering loved ones with loving memories.
Kay M. Ferguson is a creative professional writer who is passionate with regard to her life’s journey and doing healing work. She knows it’s a tough road to follow. Nevertheless, she encourages everyone to follow your own path.You canlink with Kayviamobile 264 476 8735 or contact online by sending a message at www.facebook.com/kaymferguson or emailanguillawriter@gmail.com.
