Is money causing a problem in your relationship? Well, if it is, you are certainly not alone. Research points out that money is one of the biggest issues that challenge couples. So if money is causing a problem it is time that you examine the issues surrounding it and discovers the unique opportunities for growth in tackling those issues.
The first question you need to ask yourself is- why does money drive a wedge between two people who are committed to one another? Asking that question is important because we all come from different backgrounds and carry different values and belief systems from our birth families and life experiences that influence the way in which we see or deal with things.
Our families of origin and our life experiences have taught us many lessons about money and its uses. Think about it for a second. What values and beliefs have your birth family taught you? What lessons have you learnt from your life experiences? How are they different from your spouse or partner? If you don’t know or have not thought about it, maybe it is time for both of you to sit down and examine those issues.
Here are a few ways some people differ on the issue of money:
1. Spender and Saver Combination
One person likes to spend money while the other person prefers to spend.
2. Never taught about money
Most people aren’t taught how to deal with money with a partner. They use their parent’s model.
3. Two people – different goals for their financial lives
One person may be concerned about paying for furthering their education while the other person may want to save for a vacation.
There are many more examples that could be listed, however the most important thing is that when there are unresolved money issues in a relationship, there are problems with safety and trust. This can almost always be traced back to one person having more either real or perceived power in the relationship and the other feeling more vulnerable.
If you are in a relationship where money is posing a challenge, here are some ideas that may help you in dealing with that issue:-
1. Examine your perceptions about money.
Ask yourself who was your role model for your beliefs about money and then question if those beliefs still serve you.
2. Find out your spouse’s or partner’s perceptions about money.
Encourage him or her to talk about who was his or her role model for his or her beliefs about money and then question if those beliefs still serve him or her.
3. Discuss what each of you values in the area of finances. What are your short-term and long-term goals?
Talk about them with your spouse or partner. It is only after you know what is important to either of you, then can you move forward having the needs of both met.
4. When misunderstandings arise, listen to your spouse or partner.
It is important to listen to your spouse or partner in order to try to understand the frame of reference he or she is coming from. In your relationship, whether you’re talking about money or anything else, it’s important to constantly communicate with each other if you are to arrive at solutions to your problems. It’s important to understand and respect your spouse’s or partner’s needs, their desires, their frame of reference and their values, as well as your own.
Money is a common problem in relationships, regardless of income, age and education of either partner. Sometimes a lack of income to meet basic needs causes the money hassle. But, more often, inadequate communication about money is the root of financial problems.
When partners have different values and attitudes toward spending and saving money, or when partners strive for unrealistic goals, there is a potential for conflict. When couples do not “talk things out,” even the best spending plan may not work.
Communication among partners in relationships is not always the easiest thing to do, but it is important if you want to get the most satisfaction from financial resources. Generally, the more open the communication about finances, the better the quality of those decisions.
Preventing and overcoming money problems takes honest and candid communication. It also takes time and effort. Be willing to arrange a specific time when both party can talk about money. Talk on a regular basis instead of waiting until problems occur. It is wise to choose a time and location where both of you will not be interrupted.
Here are some suggestions for increasing the quality of communication about money matters in your relationship:
?Recognize that whoever earns the money does not also earn the right to dictate how it should be spent. Family members, including children old enough to understand, need to make decisions about money as a team. Allow everyone to have input in financial decisions. Family members will be more satisfied with decisions if they helped to make them.
?Clearly identify the issue at hand. Do not drag other points into the discussion that do not address the problem, concern or dissatisfaction. Is the problem one of spending too much money, spending it at the wrong time, or spending it on something you consider unnecessary or unimportant?
?Let each family member freely state his or her wants, needs and personal feelings. Avoid judging or criticizing others. Encourage communication beginning with “I think” or “I feel.” Talk about the present. Avoid phrases such as “you always” and “you never.”
?Listen carefully to the other person. Respond to statements by others with some indication that you understand. Or ask questions until you do understand.
?Be willing to compromise and negotiate for a realistic settlement of differences. In many cases, family members must compromise. Making a contract or written agreement may help avoid misunderstandings.
Bear in mind that values affect decisions therefore begin communicating about money by identifying personal values. Values represent those qualities, situations and material things an individual cherishes most. Values are a product of your past experiences, present situation and expectations for the future. Some values and attitudes toward money can be traced to childhood. What were your parents’ attitudes toward money, use of credit, or “keeping up with the Joneses?” Was money a constant point of conflict-or perhaps a subject that was never discussed openly?
Values guide decisions. How you use time and how you spend money reflect your values. Also, the goals you establish mirror what you have chosen as important things in life. Answering the following questions may help you identify some of your values:
Family: Do you want to have children? If so, how many? What type of lifestyle would satisfy you most? Are you prepared for the financial responsibilities of a family?
Work: Are you satisfied with your job? Do you make as much money as you would like? How do you feel about both the husband and wife working outside the home?
Home: Do you want to rent or own a home? Can you afford to furnish your own home as you would like?
Transportation: Could you get along with only one car? Would you be satisfied with a smaller car?
Recreation: What do you do for recreation? Would you be satisfied spending less money on recreation or hobbies?
Future Security: Are you comfortable buying now and paying later? How important is savings? Have you started to plan for retirement? What provisions have you made to provide for your family in case of death or disability?
Change, confusion and conflict are a normal part of everyone’s life. Changing employment patterns and roles for men and women, along with uncertain economic times have caused us to rethink how we earn and how we spend. It is easy for family members to be guided by messages heard from the world around them. Often, the result can be a loss of knowing what is really important to each individual and to families as a whole.
Anticipating and dealing with change as it affects the way money is used is a challenging aspect of financial management. Clarifying values, analyzing potential causes of money problems, and developing some skills in communication can make money management a satisfying experience for you and your family
Most families face money problems because of a lack of planning and communication. These problems generally fall under four categories –Value Conflicts, Unrealistic Goals, Emotional Uses of Money and Lack of Planning.
Making financial decisions is a challenge in every relationship. If you run into problems making decisions, these steps may help you arrive at an acceptable solution.
Step 1. Define the problem. Be specific. List only one problem at a time.
Step 2. List ways the problem could be solved. Write down all possible solutions that come to mind. Do not judge their worth at this point.
Step 3. Now evaluate each of the solutions listed in Step 2. Are they workable, practical and agreeable to everyone involved? Can you combine several alternatives?
Step 4. Select one solution. Outline the steps necessary to arrive at this solution.
Step 5. What might stand in the way of reaching your goal? How can you avoid these obstacles? What are you willing to sacrifice to solve this problem? Whose support do you need?
If you follow this strategy, you will be well on your way in solving your finical woes. Remind each other daily that discipline is key.
Remember – Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is!
About the Author: Mrs. Marilyn Hodge owns and operates the Wellness Centre in the Farrington, Anguilla. The Centre offers Counselling Services by Appointment Only. Contact information: 476-3517 or email: marilynb@anguillanet.com. Referrals can also be made directly through the Atlantic Star Center of Medical Excellence, South Hill, Anguilla. By Appointment Only: Tel 497-0765
