The old cultural adage “two man crabs ca’ live in one hole” needs to be pronounced with a certain degree of resilience and vigor in the homes of our communities – more today than ever before. This is a statement of weight – an old maxim of profound prominence. The significance of this colloquial truth must be exemplified to its most meaningful extent ‘til every noble father receives the honor that he deserves. Our society has a dire need to uphold and celebrate the role of quality fatherhood. And fathers, themselves, need to shoulder their instinctive responsibilities, making their sons keenly aware that, indeed, two “men” can’t rule in one house.
Each troubled boy’s quality of life is characterized by differing circumstances which are unique to every home setting. The conditions of no two homes are the same. But we must be cognizant of the truth that generally the home is the foundation of our society, and the wrangling – confusion – that takes place in many of our homes is an indication that our society is getting sicker by the day. How can sons be bold enough to compete against their fathers for power?
It is evident that today’s fathers, who liberally allow their boys (and girls) to do as they wish at home, have fallen short of their God-given responsibility. As a result, they have contributed to much of the decadence and immorality of our society. Pitifully, they have become defenseless in their accountability for steering and directing their sons’ lives. Granted, some mothers must also assume a share of the blame, though.
There are certain ladies who possess such strong protective maternal instincts that they would refuse for anyone to “offend” their off-spring, but themselves. Offend? Yes! But, ironically, that same “offence” which many a mother tries to inhibit is ultimately experienced over time by youngsters who, in the long run, suffer rejection and hardship due to a lack of proper discipline and training in their formative years. True! Many are the women who ought to bear the blame for the delinquency of their own children. Many disgruntled mothers display an aggressive attitude of ranting and raging like a “setty” hen when conscientious fathers attempt to control and correct their boys. They hardly give the father a chance to exercise his managerial skills in the family. Consequently, such fathers become dishonored and even ridiculed when they endeavor to show their manly authority.
Not withstanding, the authority of a father is vital to any and every home environment. The home would be wrecked and deranged without it. Indeed, there are single mothers who adequately play the role of both mom and dad in an effective manner. These mothers do their best, even with scant resources, to plausibly raise their young, and many of them bring up their sons and daughters with stellar success. These noble women are to be highly commended for the single-parenting skills which they so admirably perform.
However, as the head, it is the father who steers the ship. And he would do well to recognize and exercise his innate responsibilities as leader of his household. His duties are indeed indispensible. In the home, father plays a pivotal role in devising plans and policies. His rules and regulations in the running of the home must be set in the best interest of each family member and, in particular, for the proper upbringing of his sons and daughters.
It is the father who must set the standards of discipline that give direction for children’s growth and development. It is the father who must stand firm with his God-given responsibility for making sure that his children progress, morally, spiritually and socially as long as they live at home, under their parents’ roof. Home is that place where standards for formative training are defined and where children learn the principles of obedience, honor and loyalty. It is the place where decisions are taken, and where such decisions are mutually respected by each member of the family. It is the place where children are prepped to face the rigours of life.
Ideally, home is the place where children are loved and nurtured. It is a place where wives are cherished by their husbands and vice versa; where children respect the relationship between father and mother as their own examples for their future spousal relationships. Home is a place where children are protected, taught, and corrected. But the final decision on any pertinent family issue is up to the father. And during the years when the children live at home, they must be guided by father’s wisdom and governed by his authoritative direction.
The father, by virtue of his leadership position in the family, is empowered with certain rights to administer jurisdiction over his kids. It is the father’s prerogative, then, to actually govern the sensitive affairs of the home. This he must do with a heart of compassion and understanding, yet with firm and decisive action. His children should be the ones to benefit from his leadership, protection, training, and instruction. Such power and privilege is designated to the father by none other than God almighty. And if he is careful enough to perform his role as a dutiful dad, then he is rewarded with the honor that he deserves. Then he’d position himself to receive respect from not only his family, but from the community at large.
Today, in many circles we see the state attempting to play a cunning role in depriving fathers of their innate authority. Sadly enough, because some fathers realize that the state accommodates children with several varied rights for the protection of the child, they literally become frustrated and leave the training of their children up to the children themselves. Thus, they relinquish their privileged right to participate in their youngsters’ development. Children under this hands-off banner of freedom become what we traditionally refer to as being “forced-ripe”, as they take on the traits of independence at a tender age, too early for proper development.
Fathers who fail to take the time to bond with their children, and invest in their training, are setting the stage for their authority to be challenged by youngsters who grow up too quickly and take on the attitudes of premature man-hood. The father who displays a laissez faire approach to fathering his son, training him in the precepts of acceptable behavior, from a tender age, runs the tragic risk of competing against his own child for “crab turf”. Such a child is apt to take his father for granted and he may embarrass him even in his own domain.
Society is replete with a number of fathers who have simply given up. They are simply not there for their sons and daughters. The trend seems to be that fathers just… “move on”. Besides going against the grain of God’s ruling for the home, dead-beat men who heartlessly move away from home, and leave their children in charge of vulnerable mothers to raise, do society a grave injustice.
Many of these mothers become embroiled in bitter relationships with other men, but choose to remain that way just for the sake of supporting themselves and their off-spring. And it is by these same men that they repeat the cycle that increases the size of their dad-less home circles. Undisciplined sons who come out of such miserable home environments often resort to life-styles marked with crime and become engaged in violent behavior at an early age. Their mission is to aggressively fight back against the hardships they’d experienced in a fatherless house – a house of confusion, stress, lack of love, and turmoil. They callously commit acts of violence without caring who gets hurt in the process, or whether their vicious, self-actualizing acts will land them in prison for a few years.
Delinquent fathers, therefore, need to understand that they are the ones responsible for much of society’s ills. Woe to the fathers who challenge their sons and cause them to rebel. Shame on the fathers who openly rebel against their women, and the rest of the world, thus setting a poor example for their sons as foul role models. And how pathetic it is for sons and dads to quarrel and fight to the extent where they even threaten one another. Many homes have been plunged in disarray because fathers fail to take their elevated positions as level-headed parents in wielding their authority. Sons become disenchanted with home-life and seek acceptance and belonging with their restless peers.
The concept of the crab mentality is one of fighting for a dominant position. All the crabs in a barrel battle to rule and control each other’s territory. In fact, there are no demarcated boundaries of jurisdiction, for each one seems to think that he has a competitive edge over the other’s turf and defiantly runs into each other’s way. The crab mentality is defined by a lack of respect and an absence of acknowledgement of the rights of one another. In this kind of environment there is hardly a moment of peace and ease. Honor is hard to come by, and the family exists in a quandary of turmoil. Confusion and strife become the order of the day.
Well, it is my hope that fathers pause to recognize the horrific effects of crab-like parenting, and that they do all they can to avoid the pitfalls which result from the mistakes of challenging their vulnerable sons. May love, forbearance, and honour reign in our troubled homes. This is my fervent prayer.
Finally, I must pay homage to an honourable father, the father of our nation, James Ronald Webster, who celebrates another birthday on March 2nd. He merits our applause for the qualities of strength and endurance which he defiantly displayed during Anguilla’s formative years. Though he struggled against keen opposition, as our paternal leader he united his people and proved himself to be a stalwart of bravery and selfless courage. He exemplified his unflinching determination to keep on protecting, defending and nurturing us as a people, when giving up was simply not an option. And though opposing forces were out to pull him down, he remained courageous and true in the face of terror. Together, we bear allegiance to this faithful father of valour. Happy 86th, Mr. Webster!
